Cinematical

The delicate planning scenario (The Great Train Robbery, Rififi), the humorous spin (Small Time Crooks, Quick Change), the hidden master plan (Inside Man, The Lookout), the crew of hardened professionals (Ronin, Heat), the sexy, over-the-top robbery (Oceans 12, The Italian Job), and the aftermath (Reservoir Dogs); these are the six core orbits almost all heist films fall into. If one were to draw a Venn diagram depicting the overlap between the six circles, Nimrod Antal's Armored would land almost exclusively in the aftermath category. There's no planning involved, no comic relief, no last minute twist, no grandiose kidnapping, no inkling of men with enough skill to count how many exits there are from any room they're in.

No, Armored is a simple story of a group of blue collar workers who ferry millions in cash to and fro for an armored transport escort service and decide one day that they're going to rob themselves during a staged, fake heist, making away with the bank's insured $42 million. As with all heist films, however, things do not go as planned, and so the audience spends the bulk of the picture post-heist in the midst of the bloody consequence stage of what was supposed to be a bloodless operation.

Now to say that Armored has no extended planning sequence or no grand scheme is not to say that it is lacking such machinations, rather they were not required by the story at hand. And though this may turn off viewers who are accustomed to seeing the What, Where, When, and How thoroughly established before hand, it's not a problem for Nimrod Antal, who manages to transform a simple story into an engaging 88 minutes by spending all of his time on the Who and the Why. The trailers may have potential viewers believing Armored is going to be an explosion-packed thrill ride that follows a group of sympathetic Joe Schmoes making off like bandits, but that's not what Antal has delivered; and that is actually a good thing.

Platinum Dunes, the company behind the reboots of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Friday the 13th, and the upcoming Nightmare on Elm Street, announced they were going to revisit Alfred Hitchcock's classic nature-run-amok film The Birds over two years ago. Though little progress has been tracked since then, the bulk of that time span found Casino Royale and Goldeneye director Martin Campbell the main name attached to the helm. And while one could have assumed the lack of visible progress meant the remake had idled at the studio, Pajiba is now reporting that's no longer the case.

According to their source, The Birds is once again looking to get off the ground, only without Campbell in the pilot's seat. They're told that Dennis Iliades is being courted to take over, a move that should divide fans of the original film. On the one hand, Campbell's experience with grand set pieces would have been a snug fit for a movie that requires as much as adventure as it does beak-pecking horror. On the other, Iliades delivery of The Last House on the Left update earlier this year was, I felt, one of the better horror remakes of the last couple years and announced the arrival of a keen new eye for horror.

It's news like this that casts doubt on Hollywood's soapbox crusade against piracy: Variety is reporting that even with a few key weeks still to go, the cumulative box office haul for 2009 has been a gobsmacking $9.48 billion, a number I'd also like to write in full so as to appreciate how many zeroes are involved: $9,480,000,000.00. That figure is only $175 million below the historical high, too, which means that come the release of Sherlock Holmes, Alvin and the Chipmunks: the Squekuell, and a certain movie called Avatar that absolutely no one is paying attention to, 2009 should be resetting the record.

Say what you will about the languishing lack of creativity in Hollywood, but that number is impressive; particularly so considering the rest of the world is suffering the crushing effects of the dreaded recession. Appropriate enough, though, it is this very same suffering that has, most likely, been the fuel for the (soon to be) groundbreaking number. Though ticket prices have been rising in years, going to the movies is comparatively more affordable than most other sources of family entertainment, making a trip to the theater a welcome does of mental Novocaine during tough times.

And it's not only the premium price of 3D and IMAX tickets that has buoyed the movie industry's collective balance sheets, as total admissions are also up 3% over the rates seen in 2008. I for one know that I've made considerably more trips to the theater in 2009 than I did in 2008, but that's largely thanks to a move from Northern Virginia to Austin, Texas, home of the legendary Alamo Drafthouse. But what about you? Are you part of that 3% statistic that has been stockpiling on ticket stubs or have your movie-going habits remained unaffected by the economy at large?

When I came across the title The 40 Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It on IMDb my brain shut down and went into an automated fear response of rapid Googling to confirm whether or not it was some kind of hoax. It is not. This is a full-on, feature length, distributed by 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment, motion picture (thank the comedy Gods it isn't getting a theatrical release).

And though you'd rightfully expect that this is a stepchild of the same team who put together cash-in spoofs like Meet the Spartans and both Epic and Disaster Movies, The 40 Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It has nothing to do with either Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, which means that we can now add a third name to the list of the horsemen of the apocalypse: Craig Moss.

Moss' sole credit to date is the 8-minute short film Saving Ryan's Privates, which I always thought was a joke title and not something someone had actually brought into the world. It stars Bryan Callen as the Steve Carrell surrogate who gets Mircea Monroe pregnant while proceeding to re-enact every major event from the most notable films to come out of the Judd Apatow camp. And while I would absolutely love to keep going on and on and on about this wonderful, unique cinematic angel on our horizon, I think I'll just let the trailer speak for itself.

Note: Cinematical is not responsible for the severe ocular strain you'll soon endure from an unprecedented amount of eye rolling.

Fair warning right out of the gate: the below video is A) Not Safe for Work, unless you conduct business in a place in which no one has ears, and B) targeted for a very specific group of people.

If you've been eagerly anticipating James Cameron's Avatar for years, if you think the man who delivered to the world Terminator, Aliens, and True Lies can do no wrong, and if the backlash to the unveiling of Avatar's colorful aesthetics baffles you, you may want to stay clear of Landline TV's spoof on Cameron's addiction to big budget special effects, which portrays the famous director as little more than a CGI crackhead. It's too silly to call mean spirited, yet it's also too acute to call playful ribbing, but those movie geeks among us who are growing tired of a Hollywood that makes grandiose promises but only ever delivers familiar campaigns of supersaturated digital shock-and-awe might get a kick out of what it takes for Cameron to get his motion-capture fix.

However, even if you're a big supporter of Cameron and the bold approach he's taken to bringing us a new, original science fiction property (as I will readily admit I am), a special little cameo by Michael Bay should put a smile on your face. It's crude, but it's short; and what day isn't complete without a little bit of YouTube fun, anyway?

Having attended the world premiere at Fantastic Fest, I was positive Zombieland would be a word of mouth hit and the creative gang both behind and in front of the camera would surely be returning to their special post-apocalyptic world in no time. But, in retrospect, my experience was a little bit biased. While I think the movie holds up no matter when and where it's playing, showing Zombieland in a regal, old-school movie palace in front of a festival crowd that takes to zombies like Han Solo takes to a Tauntaun (yes, we often curl up inside the gooey, mushy embrace of the undead to keep warm on particularly cold horror winters), is more than hedging your bet; I can't imagine a better venue.

There were instant talks of sequels at the Q&A following the film, and all involved were clearly game, but then the film went on to be only a mild hit, and not the grandslam one would have expected from the crowd reactions at Fantastic Fest. What seemed like a lock seemed even shakier when Rhett Rheese, one half of the film's writing team, mentioned that Zombieland's stance as the most pirated movie currently on the net had put the future of the should-be franchise in jeopardy.

But all that worrying was for nothing, it turns out, as Sony has gone ahead and penciled in a trip back to Zombieland in their to do list. As of now, stars Woody Harrelson and Jesse Eisenberg are in talks to return, but director Ruben Fleischer and writers Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick have all signed on to further flesh out the comedic end of the world. And further out it shall be, as Sony has also confirmed that the untitlted part two will be filmed in 3D.

Two years ago the Al Ahli Group announced a partnership with Marvel Entertainment that would see to fruition a massive, cutting-edge amusement park to be built in Dubai and feature rides and exhibits tailor themed to the likes of Spider-Man, Iron Man, The Hulk, The X-Men, and all the rest of Marvel's impressive stable of superheroes (and villains). Obviously a lot has changed since then. First, Disney purchased Marvel outright, and though there was plenty examination of what that meant for future Marvel film franchises and existing properties, I don't recall any talk of this new theme park being bandied about. Second, and more recently, the financial crisis world wide has taken a particularly heavy toll on the rather lofty model Dubai had based its construction-heavy economy on, halting many planned projects.

Considering those two bits of news, chances aren't looking too good that the Marvel park will ever be a reality, but that doesn't mean we can't run down what could have been. The Disney and More blog has posted a fascinating smattering of concept art developed by the Chimera Design Company, showcasing a number of different attractions planned for Marvel Dubailand. Obviously rollercoasters are a mainstay of any theme park, but this hypothetical wonderland looked to have been hiding a few tricks up its sleeve. Though the designs lack full explanation, some of them are too intriguing to be immune from speculation. Take the concept art above, for example, which features Spider-Man fighting off the Green Goblin and Dr. Octopus while a group of people are in free fall from a skyscraper.

Being one of the largest cities in the world comes with its own set of problems. Sure, dense populations tend to lead to higher rates of crime and homelessness, and maintaining the general welfare of any major metropolis is a gargantuan undertaking, but being a globally recognized city overflowing with landmarks means you've also got a cinematic bullseye on your back; and there is no bigger bullseye than New York, New York. Anyone with a big effects budget and a rampaging [insert name of monster, alien, meteor, or climate disaster here] is going to want to see NYC burn to the ground in their film. And if the box office haul of massive disaster pictures is any indication, most movie goers are also going to want to see NYC burn to the ground.

But why wade through the savagely long run time of 2012 (only to not even be treated to a NYC demolition) or the cinematic sadness that is Godzilla 1998 just for a glimpse of NYC getting its skyscraper face pummeled in? For just such an occasion, the kind folks at Goodie Bag have assembled Hollywood vs New York, a lovely three-minute montage of the Big Apple getting a big bite taken out of it and set the whole thing to the tune of George Gershwin's "Rhapsody in Blue". There are 22 films that contribute to the montage, and fortunately Roland Emmerich's offerings don't monopolize the screen time. It's a nice array of titles that have all given NYC an apocalyptic makeover over the years, but the fun is placing the structural carnage, so I won't rattle off the list here.

I'll also stop rattling myself, as seeing NYC get beat up on to a jazz composition is what this post is all about, anyway.

Just as fans of American action movies should be readying themselves for the explosionpalooza that will surely be Sylvester Stallone's The Expendables, which brings together every big-name, bad-guy shooter of the last 20 years, so should fans of Hong Kong martial arts flicks begin bracing themselves in anticipation of the unholy ass-kicking that will be on display in Teddy Chan's upcoming film Bodyguards and Assassins. It tells the story of a group of (mostly undercover) bodyguards who must protect the revolutionary political leader Sun Yat-sen from an onslaught of highly trained assassins sent on the behest of the Emperor to quell the tide of reform in Hong Kong in 1905.

Think of it as 16 Blocks, but instead of a tired Bruce Willis protecting a witness as people shoot at him on the streets of New York, it's the amazing Donnie Yen and a pack of other Asian martial arts stars escorting a political leader across a wildly elaborate recreation of downtown HK at the beginning of the 20th century while a horde of assassins strike using darts, arrows, acid, and all manner of bladed weapon. The production design alone looks outstanding, but you'll soon be forgetting all about the set building once the fists, feet, and other limbs start destroying everything in the newest trailer for Bodyguards and Assassins (thanks to Twitch for the find).

I've included the previous B&A trailers below as well, but it's the action heavy one on top that's most likely to pique your interest -- aside from the bizarre choice of trailer music, this is one of the most blood-pumping, face-pounding, throat-grabbing, sword-chopping, pole-swinging montages I've seen in a while.

Gotta love the book tour Stephen King is currently on to promote Under the Dome. First he tells a crowd in Maryland that he has written a draft of the television screenplay for Cell, that HBO wants to do an Under the Dome miniseries, and that he is working on new Talisman and The Dark Tower novels. And now an even bigger bombshell comes: he's got a book plan for a sequel to The Shining brewing in the back of his always-working mind.

But before getting to the news, I'd like to address the means by which it leaked out, which is equally interesting. While in Toronto, King followed up a 15-minute reading from Under the Dome with an hour long Q&A in a packed theater. The interviewer? David Cronenberg. Thinking about that taking place makes my heart hurt. My favorite director interviewing my favorite writer? What kind of cruel world hides such an event from me?

Fortunately the books portion of the Torontoist was there to cover the event and they've got all the details surrounding The Shining sequel Cronenberg and King talked about, tentatively titled Doctor Sleep. King explained that he had spent the last summer wondering what Danny Torrance would be like as a grown up and how the emotional scars carved into his psyche by the Overlook Hotel would have impacted the path of his otherwise happy life. The author charts the basic premise thusly:

Read the rest over at Horror Squad.